One evening not long ago, I happened to sit in on a PTA meeting where a school head I've known for many years was explaining the school's sexuality education program to a group of parents. After listing the various topics covered, she ended by saying, "As far as sexual values go, rest assured that we leave that part to you at home."
I couldn't help but grimace. Later, I asked her to describe the classes in more detail. As I listened, it became clear to me that the school's program indeed had a very clear and distinct values base. So, what had she really been trying to say?
Parents (and educators as well) often express serious reservations and legitimate worries about how the issue of "values" will be handled in sexuality education classrooms. They typically identify three major concerns: that the program will teach "no values" or the "wrong" values; that it will end up sending "mixed messages" about sexual values; or that the teacher or program will in some way "impose" values that differ from or undermine parental and/or family values. Confronted with these fears, teachers, administrators or school boards sometimes decide to counter with a program designed and publicized as being deliberately "values free."
I knew that my friend, the school head, understood these subtleties intuitively – because she is a fine educator and she runs a marvelous school – but, like many Americans, her grasp of the concept of "values" was muddled. While she wasn't able to sort it out at the moment she said it, what she had really meant to say was something like this.
In all that we do here at school, as you know, we try to highlight and reinforce a core set of universal values – concepts such as honesty, mutuality, trust, responsibility, caring, respect for self and others. Our sexuality program is no exception. When values-laden, controversial issues arise – such as homosexuality, abortion, and premarital intercourse – we'll do our best to help students think critically about the many viewpoints to which they are exposed; but we count on you to make clear to your children what you think and value as well. That experience is a crucial part of their education and their healthy development as adolescents.
Often, I ask teachers if it is ever okay to "impose" certain values on their students. I am still always amazed at the majority who say emphatically, "No!" It is yet another revealing case of adults not knowing what they really think due to cultural sloppiness in articulating "values."
"Please, please," I tell them, "do not hesitate to impose certain values on your students! In fact, you already do – all the time!" I remind them of what happens in their classes when students don't do their schoolwork – lowered grades, calls to parents, and repeating courses or even whole semesters of work. Schools stand for, and stand up for, all kinds of core values, such as the importance of education and taking personal responsibility for one's actions.
I hear young people say that there are no objective or absolute standards and that people must decide for themselves what is right and wrong. Nonsense!!! Core human values – honesty, integrity, responsibility, mutuality, caring, respect for life and liberty – are absolute. This is a message all adults – especially teachers and parents – must communicate unequivocally. They must also never hesitate to state that certain acts – such as rape, sexual harassment, and child molestation – are always wrong.
What teachers should not impose in classrooms are particular personal or religious views about controversial sexual issues. That is a violation of the rights of students and parents, and in the case of [public schools and] religion, a violation of the separation of church and state. About those views, teachers must remain nonjudgmental, and they must receive training in the skills required to maintain a classroom environment in which diverse opinions are invited and heard with respect.
Excerpted with the author's permission from Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense about Sex. Perseus Publishing, 2001.